Making childhood memories
Witnessing violence between the people they love can affect children as much as if they were the victims of the violence. Domestic and family violence services around the state are breaking the silence on this well-kept family secret to help families stay safe and assist perpetrators to change their behaviour.
Abraham Johnson wants his daughter to remember him as a family man who respected her mother. And although his daughter is only four years old, Abraham is on his way to making her memories of childhood just that. Abraham has just completed the Being a Father program run by the North Queensland Domestic Violence Resource Service (NQDVRS) and says he has learned new ways to express himself.
"When I lived with my child's mother my daughter witnessed violent arguments," Abraham says. "She is very clever and a quick learner. I realise that she understands everything that goes on and that it's not appropriate for her to see me behave that way towards her mother. I want my daughter to see me show respect for her mother."
NQDVRS founding coordinator Pauline Woodbridge, who is on the National Council to Reduce Violence Against Women and their Children, says men say they want to be good fathers and the best way to do that is to stop the violence and abuse and show respect for the children's mother.
"Most men don't want their children to live in fear of them," Pauline says. "Children don't understand domestic violence in the same way as adults do. They often blame themselves for the violence and will try to intervene to protect mum. However, it's common for perpetrators to deliberately drive a wedge between the mother and her children in these circumstances. It's a tragedy at every level. Girls grow up desensitised to the violence and think it's normal in the home. And there's a high correlation between perpetrators and men who watch their fathers beat up their mothers," she says.
Many children feel so responsible for their mother's safety that they adjust their own lives to protect their mother at all times. Children also tend to assume some responsibility for the violence. Not only do they feel that it is their duty to protect their mother but also to defuse their father's anger.
Children learn to maintain the family secret at all costs. In most cases, mothers will attempt to protect the children from the domestic violence and will not talk openly to the children about the violence that has occurred. Children learn that it is something they must be silent about. This makes it more difficult for children to voice their experiences and share their feelings about the violence.
As children rely on their family for safety and protection it is very traumatic for children to see and feel the tension, terror and aggression that domestic and family violence creates. These children need strong, positive and reliable relationships. They need a predictable environment where they can feel safe, be soothed, reassured and comforted.
To address the needs of children NQDVRS runs the Aardvarc program in Townsville to assist children who witness or are affected by domestic and family violence. Children aged between four to 16 and their non-abusive parent take part in the healing program.
Pauline says the Aardvarc program is a peaceful, healing process where both the child and the mother can heal themselves and the relationship between them. Since 1996 NQDVRS has also offered a more intensive mens' behaviour change program called MenTER (Men Towards Equal Relationships) which is based on the belief that violence is learned and can be unlearned. Men get the message that violence is not acceptable and their actions cause damage to their partners and children that is difficult to heal.
They are challenged to change the values, beliefs and behaviours that are the foundation for their use of violence. "Men hear that violence is not caused by others or due to anger or frustration," says Pauline. "They learn to understand that violence is used to maintain a sense of power and control over people and situations."
For confidential counselling or to locate services contact:
dvconnect womensline
1800 811 811
dvconnect mensline
1800 600 636
KIDS HELPLINE
1800 55 1800
Web counselling available 3pm to 9pm Monday to Friday and
10am to 5pm Saturday and Sunday.
What is adolescent-to-parent violence?
Adolescent-to-parent abuse is any behaviour used by a young person to control, dominate or coerce parents. While it is normal for adolescents to demonstrate healthy anger, conflict and frustration, anger should not be confused with violence.
Violence is about a range of behaviours, including non-physical acts, aimed at controlling another person by instilling fear. Heather Nancarrow, director of the Queensland Centre for Domestic and Family Violence Research at Central Queensland University and deputy chair of the National Council to Reduce Violence Against Women and their Children, says abuse by adolescents typically starts when the young person is aged between 12 and 16. It is mostly directed at mothers and step mothers.
"Factors such as gender inequity, witnessing wife assault and a young person's mental health and substance abuse issues contribute to this form of domestic violence," Heather says. "Young males exposed to their father's violence learn that it is acceptable to control and dominate women. They see their fathers as powerful and intimidating, and often idealise and model their behaviour. They may also feel anger at the mother for failing to protect them, and herself, from abuse."
The research also suggests that young people who abuse their parents were themselves often victims of physical abuse and, for girls especially, sexual abuse.
"Where young people have problems with impulse control and interpersonal skills, the potential for conflict between them and their parent is also significant. And while there seems to be a strong correlation between adolescent to parent abuse and substance abuse, the research indicates that the trigger is more likely to be arguments and conflict over the young person and their use of drugs and alcohol, rather than the effects of the substances."
Heather says parents need to understand the abuse is not their fault and that the violence is not acceptable and can never be excused.
For more information visit www.noviolence.com.au or PARENTLINE