Working things out with your teenager
What parents can do | Set limits that stick | What happens when the rules are broken? | Be reasonable about what you expect | Your approach will make a difference
Teenagers need discipline in order to feel secure and safe while learning to get along with others and to live in society. The best discipline leads to them learning self-discipline.
Often there is confusion for parents when 'discipline' and 'punishment' are talked about. They are frequently used to mean the same thing, when in fact they are quite different. As children grow into adolescents they need a different approach from that which worked well in childhood.
Adolescence is a time when your children move quickly from being dependent where they look up to you and usually want to please, to becoming independent and wanting to make their own decisions and think for themselves. This path is not always smooth because the changes at this age are hard to cope with for both you and your teenager. This is a time to loosen the reins. At this time your teenager may seem to temporarily reject your values, and it is easy to become frustrated and distressed and feel that you have lost your influence and control over them.
Shouting, stubbornness, irrational behaviour, sulkiness and crying may all be ways of dealing with the strangeness and anxiety felt by teenagers coming to grips with the fact that they are changing.
This may be a difficult time for everyone and it requires consideration and patience.
What parents can do
Deal with the relationship.
- Work on your relationship with your son or daughter first or no discipline will be successful. Having a good relationship takes time, but having parents spend time with them is something most teenagers want.
- Listen to their ideas without trying to force your ideas on them. Take an interest in what is important to them and you will have a good baseline to work from.
- Trusting your teenager is a valuable ingredient in your relationship. Trust has to be earned by you both. Remind yourself that your teenager is struggling with lots of new feelings and their behaviour could be showing genuine unhappiness which needs your attention.
Set limits that stick
Teenagers need rules and limits. This works best if you can work them out with your teenager. Helping your teenager believe that there are choices and involving them in decisions will have a far greater chance of resulting in a successful and responsible outcome. Be mindful that limits for 13 year olds are not suitable for 15 year olds and are far less suitable for 17 year olds.
- Allow for some risk taking, but also keep your teenager's safety in mind. You need to have some rules that protect your teenager's safety away from home and some for acceptable behaviour in the home.
- Try to find out from other parents the limits they are setting and remember that if you are too far away from what their friends' parents are doing, you will have much more difficulty in getting your teenager to cooperate with you.
- Don't decide on rules in the middle of a crisis, especially if your teenager is in trouble for doing something wrong.
- Gradually remove the limits as your teenager begins to take over the reins of his or her own life.
What happens when the rules are broken?
Just because rules are broken does not mean there should be no rules. Remember that whatever you say, your teenager is likely to see it as punishment and be resentful.
- Don't jump in. Look for the cause. Listen first to what your teenager has to say.
- Make consequences that fit the broken rules, what works for one teenager might not work for another.
- Your teenager must know very clearly beforehand what the consequences will be. It is important that any consequences you set are not so heavy that they stop your teenager from trying to deal with the situation again.
- Protecting your teenager from all consequences of his or her behaviour can damage learning.
- Set consequences that can be quickly completed and then give your teenager a chance to try again for example: "You came home very late after we agreed on a time, so tomorrow I will pick you up" or "tomorrow you will have to stay home."
- Carry out the agreed consequences unless your teenager could not have controlled what happened.
Be reasonable about what you expect
Parents often feel that most effort is on their part and they are hurt when even the most reasonable agreements are not kept. This is normal and part of testing and unless your teenager is getting into real difficulty it is wiser not to overreact.
Expect and insist on a fair share in helping with chores so that your teenager feels part of the family. Expect that you will often have to remind them!
Be aware of your own reasons for setting limits and consequences e.g. are they reasonable or is it just because you were brought up that way?
What you say to yourself makes all the difference in how you cope with teenage problems. If you think, Why should I have to put up with this behaviour?, you are more likely to act in a way that drags out the battle than if you think, My son/daughter is struggling with something at the moment and I need to work out the best way to sort this out.
If behaviour seems to be getting out of control or there is violence, you need to get support. Telephone Parent line 1300 30 1300 for information or referral.
Your approach will make a difference
Expect that things won't always go according to plan, for this is a time when your teenager will test the limits. You should be able to be flexible for special circumstances (for example: school socials, special parties).
Where there is a concern about safety, you need to hold fast to your position.
The way you handle broken rules is important. If you lose your cool, your teenager will certainly follow suit. Making a big scene when your teenager is 10 minutes late creates unnecessary conflict for all. It is better to not make a big deal of it and save the consequence for when rules are broken in a serious way.
Continually reminding your teenager of past mistakes is not helpful. It is important to give your teenager a chance to try again after a mistake (this is how we all learn). Make allowances in times of stress, such as exams or a broken romance.
Remember that even difficult teenagers usually grow into responsible adults. Hang in there. Don't give up on your child. The best resource your teenager has is you.