How to get help if you are a person who uses domestic and family violence
Anger and abuse – what's the difference?
Stopping Violence and Abuse
This booklet provides information to enable you to make an informed decision to seek help and support to stop using abusive and violent behaviour.
- anger is an emotion
- abuse or violence is a behaviour to control a situation or a person
- people can get angry without getting abusive
How can I tell if I am using abusive or controlling behaviour?
- Have you been violent or abusive to a family member, partner or someone in your care?
- Have you made a loved one or someone in your care afraid?
- Has this happened a number of times before?
- Is your abusive or violent behaviour affecting your children?
Abusive behaviour of any kind is a choice that will have consequences.
If you continue to choose to use violence and abuse in your relationship you should be aware that the likely consequences may include:
- the breakdown of your relationships
- people you care for, including your children, living in fear of you
- hurting your children
- facing the court on a protection order application
- criminal charges if you do not comply with an order
- loss of contact with your children
- serious emotional harm to the other person, children and yourself
- serious injury or death to either yourself, the other person or children
Using abuse and violence in your relationship is a choice. However, abusive behaviour is not acceptable. You can choose to identify the abusive behaviours and to stop this type of behaviour.
Getting help
It takes courage to pick up the phone and ask for help. If you want help you can call Mensline (9am to midnight, seven days a week) on 1800 600 636 or phone Lifeline (24 hours) on 13 11 14. This support is confidential.
Anonymous and confidential advice is available by telephoning Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight, seven days a week).
See the signs. Be the solution.
Take a look at this domestic and family violence campaign advertisement, transcript and video clip to learn more about warning signs.
When abusive behaviour happens in the community it is far more likely to happen at the hands of men. Of course, not all men are abusive towards women and children. However, when domestic and family violence happens the vast majority is perpetrated by men. Many of these men want to change their behaviour. It is important to see the warning signs of domestic and family violence — such as controlling what your partner wears, who she sees, where she goes, how much she spends — these are forms of abuse.
Other signs of domestic and family violence include:
- put downs
- controlling money
- threats
- intimidation
- pressure for sex
- isolating and limiting someone's social contacts
- pushing
- attempted strangulation
- hitting
- following/stalking
- preventing cultural or religious practices
If you or someone you know uses this kind of controlling and abusive behaviour toward another person, it is important to take it seriously and take some action to stop and change this behaviour.
Anonymous and confidential advice is available by telephoning Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight, seven days a week).
Types of domestic and family violence
Using abusive behaviour and violence in your relationship is about trying to maintain power and control over the other person. This can include:
- Physical abuse such as pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, punching, biting or pinching
- Threatening to hurt the other person or yourself, or their relatives, friends or work colleagues in some way
- Damaging property such as furniture, the house or pets in order to frighten and intimidate the other person
- Forcing the other person to have sex or to take part in sexual acts when they do not want to (this is a criminal offence even if you are in a relationship with the other person)
- Depriving the other person of the necessities of life such as food, shelter, medical care and the company of other people such as their family and friends
- Demanding that they give you control of their money, or in the case of people with a illness, disability or impairment - threatening to stop providing care for a person unless they hand over their Centrelink payment. This sometimes happens to people who rely on another person to care for them
- Criticising, humiliating and insulting the other person
- Following the other person in public, by car or on foot, staying outside their house or workplace or repeatedly telephoning their home or workplace without consent (this is also called stalking and is a criminal offence).
You can stop the abuse or violence
Usually, people who are abusive want to be in control of a situation and their actions are intended to control another person's behaviour and choices. Controlling behaviour is destructive and dangerous.
There is no typical profile for an offender. However, men who abuse women and children may:
- see themselves as head of the household and believe that they have a right to control the members of his home
- think that men should be in charge and be tough
- use violence, and physiological or emotional abuse to manipulate the lives of others in the family
- make excuses for their violence and blame the victim for instigating, causing or creating circumstances that lead to violent acts
- make claims that he is violent because of stress or alcohol, or that it only happens because he loses control
- believe that his partner should have sex whenever he wants
- feel the need to control most aspects of their partner's life including where she goes, what she does, who she sees and talks to, what clothes she wears, what money she can access, etc
- believe he has a right to behave how he likes in his home
- deny that the violence occurs or minimise its impact upon the family
Anonymous and confidential advice is available by telephoning Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight, seven days a week).
What you can do to control your behaviour
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Recognise your abusive behaviour
The first and most critical step is to acknowledge when your behaviour, reactions or responses are abusive. If you allow yourself to believe that 'It's OK', 'It's not that bad' or 'It's not really hurting anyone', then you are kidding yourself. Your abuse causes physical and emotional harm to your loved ones.
Do not blame others, or insist that they change or 'get their act together'. Your behaviour is your responsibility, no-one else's. By blaming others you choose not to be in control of your own behaviour.
If you are aware that there are times when you use abusive behaviour… you should talk to someone…
Anonymous and confidential advice is available by telephoning Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight, seven days a week).
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Recognise when tension is building
There may be specific times or situations when you use controlling behaviour. You may use your voice or your body to emphasise or make a point.
Typically when we feel aggressive, our bodies give us signs such as:
- muscular tension - especially a tightening of the stomach, neck and face
- a surge of adrenalin
- an increased heart rate
- pacing the floor
- clenching your fists
What are the signs your body gives you when you are about to use controlling or abusive behaviour? Identify these and discuss them with someone you trust or with a trained professional so that you can change your response.
Self talk
It is important to identify the messages you give yourself . This is called self-talk. This includes thoughts that put down the other person, blame them or race through your mind over and over again. When you can recognise these signs it's easier to pull yourself up and make some choices about your behaviour. Negative thoughts about the other person should be replaced by messages about your own behaviour. Examples that others have found useful include:
- 'losing control is not worth it - I've got too much to lose'
- 'take a breath and step back'
- 'stay in control of myself'
- 'walk away, calm down'.
Time out
If self-talk isn't enough, take time out. This means simply leaving the situation to clear your head so you can come back later to talk calmly.
Let the other person know that this is what you are doing.
Only return when you are sure that you are relaxed and in control of your actions.
Time out when you are feeling aggressive gives you a chance to cool off. It allows you to avoid violent behaviour when dealing with difficult issues.
Avoid drinking alcohol, taking drugs and driving when you are tense and aggressive as you may be a danger to yourself and others.
Anonymous and confidential advice is available by telephoning Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight, seven days a week).
Adapted from information contained in the How to deal with domestic violence booklet, Freedom From Fear Campaign, Family and Domestic Violence Unit, Government of Western Australia (1998).