What you can do to support a victim of domestic and family violence
You may suspect that a person you know is a victim of domestic and family violence. The following are some signs that may indicate that domestic and family violence is occurring. The person may:
- be intimidated by their partner or seem frightened, withdrawn, or reluctant to speak. The children may seem timid, frightened or too well behaved in the partner's presence
- be overly anxious to please their partner
- say their partner constantly rings or texts them during the day wanting to know where they are, what they are doing and who they are with
- regularly be criticised by their partner in front of you and have comments made to belittle them
- say their partner is jealous and possessive and accuses them of having affairs with other people
- refer to them having a bad temper or being moody, especially when they have been drinking
- repeatedly have bruises, broken bones, or other injuries claimed as the results of falls or other accidents
- wear inappropriate clothing in summer months such as scarves and long sleeves or wear heavy make-up and sunglasses inside
- often be late to work or appointments or cancel meetings with you at the last minute
- stop seeing or speaking with you, friends and family
- say their partner gives them no money and makes them account for every cent that is spent.
What can you do to help?
Most importantly your friend or family member needs your support. Whilst there may not be immediate change, your support may lead to the victim considering the options and ultimately ending the violence.
The initial discussion with a victim of domestic and family violence is difficult. As a controlling partner lays the blame for the violence on the victim, an abused person is likely to be defensive when the subject is discussed.
Appropriate conditions are necessary to enable the victim to participate in conversation. The victim needs to be in a place where it is safe to speak and there is enough time to talk about the issue. Questions such as "I am worried about you because I don't get to see you often anymore" or "You look unhappy lately" may help get the conversation started.
The victim may be willing to talk if they feel safe and has confidence that you can keep their situation to yourself. It is important that you listen and are not judgemental or critical. Do not tell them what to do but help them to explore options that are available.
It is important that you believe what they tell you. They will not exaggerate about the abuse. Many abusers are so charming to others that what you see of their behaviour may be different to their behaviour towards their partner.
When they finish talking let them know you care and ask them how you can help. You should also let them know there are organisations that are able to offer them professional assistance in escaping the violence. Make it clear that it is the partner who has a problem and that they cannot fix it themselves, no matter how hard they try.
Even if they continue to stay in the relationship you should remain their friend while at the same time reminding them that they do not deserve the violence. If they want to go to a refuge or safe place, support them. If they are in immediate danger, call the police. You must also protect yourself from danger and should not intervene in a violent situation.
What if the victim does not want to talk?
If they do not want to talk, express your concern for them anyway. Tell them that domestic and family violence is wrong and that they have done nothing to deserve or cause it.
You need to reassure them that you will stand by them, and be ready to talk or help, when they ask.
What if there are children?
Domestic and family violence has a significant impact on children with serious long term effects. Children living in violent homes are often directly involved by witnessing the abuse, being the target of abuse or suffering as a result of the stress of the abused parent. Many children experience emotional and behavioural changes as a result of the violence.
If your friend or family member has children in the home you should advise them that domestic and family violence is damaging to the children. You may also like to provide support to the children and reinforce that violence is unacceptable and that they are not to blame.
For information about how domestic and family violence affects children go to Impact of domestic and family violence on children.
What should I say to the perpetrator of the violence?
Nothing! Confronting the person may result in placing yourself and your friend in danger.
Where should I refer the victim for help?
When the victim is ready to take action, you should support their decisions, including helping to make safety plans.
You should make them aware of dvconnect who offers a Womensline on 1800 811 811 and a Mensline on 1800 600 636. This is a statewide service which provides information, support and counselling for people who are experiencing domestic and family violence including information about women's refuges, violence protection orders and safety. More information about DVConnect is available at www.dvconnect.org.
Simply leaving a relationship may not immediately end the violence or provide safety. Some victims of abuse will be at the greatest danger of violence at the time of separation and will need to develop a safety plan to protect themselves and their children. Further information about safety plans is available.
My friend won't leave the relationship. What can I do?
There is nothing you can do other than continue to provide support. It is natural that you are concerned and wish for your friend or family member to leave the relationship.
However, ending any relationship is difficult, including those where domestic and family violence is occurring. There may be a number of reasons why a victim feels they cannot leave a violent relationship including:
- being afraid for their life, the lives of her children or family following a threat from the perpetrator if they try to leave the relationship
- feeling they have nowhere to go or that they will be able to be found wherever they go
- having accepted their partner's promise to end the violence and hoping the relationship will go back to how it was before the violence started
- having low self-esteem and little self confidence believing they cannot cope on their own
- having been encouraged or persuaded by another person (such as family, friends, minister, community elder) to stay in the relationship or give their partner another chance to change
- having a cultural or religious belief that marriage is forever
- fearing they will be isolated from family and friends
- feeling shame and believing that the violence is their fault and that if they change their behaviour the violence will stop
- having little or no access to money and believing they will not be able to support themselves or their children
- unwillingness take the children away from their home or fears about losing the children in a custody battle
- still feeling love for the perpetrator and reluctance to throw the relationship away after the years that have been invested.
Confidential support and advice for women affected by domestic violence is available by phoning
dvconnect Womensline on 1800 811 811 (24 hours, 7 days a week).
Note: This number is not recorded on your phone bill.